Fearless? Part 1

I mentioned a few blogs back (don't ask which one, I of course do not remember) that I'd one day get around to talking about my whole idea of "fearlessness."

Fearless. ah. well. hmm.

I suppose I could introduce you to the topic by telling you a bit about "taylor days." There's this girl, I dunno if you've heard of her, but her name is Taylor Swift. She sings. Actually, she's like the biggest selling artist in the country (the US that is) right now. She sings country/pop music. Now, I fully recognize that doesn't sound on the super appealing side. Well, obviously it appeals to "the masses"... but maybe not so much to those of you who, like me, were raised on Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Kinks, AC/DC and who sang The Who songs at age 2.

However, there is a huge part of me whose music choices don't perfectly reflect the playlist of Pat, Kyle, and Duncan Brady. That part of me would be called "The Girly Side." Or, as the three aforementioned men would say "The Princess Side." Irrelevant really... but suffice it to say... I have a varied taste in music... but yes, I like taylor swift... and her girliness.

Anyway, this whole seemingly random tangent about some singer named taylor is relevent, because her most recent album is titled "Fearless." I may or may not have spent almost an entire year listening to the album on repeat. In my apartment, on my walks to class, during class, at the gym, in the car, on airplanes, you name it. Considering the musicality isn't Pete Townshend quality, you may rightfully be confused. What it comes down to for me, is the lyrics. People love taylor because she gets it. At least one of her songs relates to every girl... when your heart got broken, when you fell for your best guy friend, when your mom was your only best friend all through highschool, when you had to break someone elses heart, or, when you experienced what it means to be "fearless."

She describes being fearless as is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears and doubts. And living in spite of the things that scare you to death. It's having the faith that one day, things will change. Being fearless is letting go, and moving on. Being fearless is believing in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.

Needless to say, I have my fears. Fears ranging from pigeons, to dogs, to singing in public, to falling in love, to allowing myself to believe in that hopeless romantic nonsense and WAIT for it, to getting my heart broken, to being away from my family and friends, to not being in control, to failing. I'm full of them.

So fearless is a pretty good anthem for me... the girl who stopped being adventurous around age 12. Why? Im not sure. I guess when you cease to perform gymnastics every day, have a daring personality goes as well. Really though, I've never been particularly brave. I've always been terrified of getting in trouble, of messing up, of not doing well in school, of being judged.

I think the biggest problem I have is control. I hate not being in control. Of anything really. Its something God has really been putting on my heart in the past year. Letting Go, and Letting God. I've heard it a million times before... but it doesnt make it any easier. However, God has his own way of shaking up my complacency. I say complacency and not contentedness... because I think contentedness connotates being right in my relationship with God. I say complacency because I was playing it safe.

I started praying about a year and half ago for something to change... for God to fill me, overwhelm me, remove my fears. Instead of removing my fears... he added more... but is giving me the strength to overcome them. Freshman year of college i NEVER would have been able to commit to leaving penn state (my family and friends and country) to travel to England and Sweden. Then bam, 1 year later, as a sophomore, I found myself accepting the offer to join the program. For the first time in my life I wasn't scared of losing my friends, I was simply sad to leave them. Don't get me wrong. God is doing some serious work in me right now. I may be somewhat adventurous now (and admittedly, fiercely independent... and as I've discovered recently, rather stubborn)... but I do have a lot of fears, and a lot of issues in myself to deal with. This control issue included.

Being here the past month and half has really opened my eyes to how much I need power over myself and my situation. It's very difficult for me to rely on public transportation here... to rely on someone else cooking my dinner... to rely on three different universities failing to communicate between one another over MY life and education. Ergo, the letting go, and letting God. It's a constant... and rather treacherous struggle for me. To be honest, it doesnt always go well. I have an issue letting people in. So letting God truly rule my life is a bit of a challenge. Deep breath. prayer. now moving on.

So this is getting to be a rather lengthy post of nothingness... I'll return to the subject at a later date. However, I will add... that I am leaving for Italy (its our fall break here) in two days. With no parents, no particular plans besides a hostel reservation, 1 backpack and hardly enough money to buy some straciatella gelato. This is me, being fearless. And SO not a princess ;)

Cheers!
ps. Francesca Battistelli is a Christian singer with some taylor swift "I'm speaking directly to you Meghan Brady" type qualities. I'm currently rocking out to "Unpredictable" and "I'm Letting Go." You should too :)