Fearless? Part 1

I mentioned a few blogs back (don't ask which one, I of course do not remember) that I'd one day get around to talking about my whole idea of "fearlessness."

Fearless. ah. well. hmm.

I suppose I could introduce you to the topic by telling you a bit about "taylor days." There's this girl, I dunno if you've heard of her, but her name is Taylor Swift. She sings. Actually, she's like the biggest selling artist in the country (the US that is) right now. She sings country/pop music. Now, I fully recognize that doesn't sound on the super appealing side. Well, obviously it appeals to "the masses"... but maybe not so much to those of you who, like me, were raised on Led Zeppelin, Queen, The Kinks, AC/DC and who sang The Who songs at age 2.

However, there is a huge part of me whose music choices don't perfectly reflect the playlist of Pat, Kyle, and Duncan Brady. That part of me would be called "The Girly Side." Or, as the three aforementioned men would say "The Princess Side." Irrelevant really... but suffice it to say... I have a varied taste in music... but yes, I like taylor swift... and her girliness.

Anyway, this whole seemingly random tangent about some singer named taylor is relevent, because her most recent album is titled "Fearless." I may or may not have spent almost an entire year listening to the album on repeat. In my apartment, on my walks to class, during class, at the gym, in the car, on airplanes, you name it. Considering the musicality isn't Pete Townshend quality, you may rightfully be confused. What it comes down to for me, is the lyrics. People love taylor because she gets it. At least one of her songs relates to every girl... when your heart got broken, when you fell for your best guy friend, when your mom was your only best friend all through highschool, when you had to break someone elses heart, or, when you experienced what it means to be "fearless."

She describes being fearless as is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears and doubts. And living in spite of the things that scare you to death. It's having the faith that one day, things will change. Being fearless is letting go, and moving on. Being fearless is believing in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.

Needless to say, I have my fears. Fears ranging from pigeons, to dogs, to singing in public, to falling in love, to allowing myself to believe in that hopeless romantic nonsense and WAIT for it, to getting my heart broken, to being away from my family and friends, to not being in control, to failing. I'm full of them.

So fearless is a pretty good anthem for me... the girl who stopped being adventurous around age 12. Why? Im not sure. I guess when you cease to perform gymnastics every day, have a daring personality goes as well. Really though, I've never been particularly brave. I've always been terrified of getting in trouble, of messing up, of not doing well in school, of being judged.

I think the biggest problem I have is control. I hate not being in control. Of anything really. Its something God has really been putting on my heart in the past year. Letting Go, and Letting God. I've heard it a million times before... but it doesnt make it any easier. However, God has his own way of shaking up my complacency. I say complacency and not contentedness... because I think contentedness connotates being right in my relationship with God. I say complacency because I was playing it safe.

I started praying about a year and half ago for something to change... for God to fill me, overwhelm me, remove my fears. Instead of removing my fears... he added more... but is giving me the strength to overcome them. Freshman year of college i NEVER would have been able to commit to leaving penn state (my family and friends and country) to travel to England and Sweden. Then bam, 1 year later, as a sophomore, I found myself accepting the offer to join the program. For the first time in my life I wasn't scared of losing my friends, I was simply sad to leave them. Don't get me wrong. God is doing some serious work in me right now. I may be somewhat adventurous now (and admittedly, fiercely independent... and as I've discovered recently, rather stubborn)... but I do have a lot of fears, and a lot of issues in myself to deal with. This control issue included.

Being here the past month and half has really opened my eyes to how much I need power over myself and my situation. It's very difficult for me to rely on public transportation here... to rely on someone else cooking my dinner... to rely on three different universities failing to communicate between one another over MY life and education. Ergo, the letting go, and letting God. It's a constant... and rather treacherous struggle for me. To be honest, it doesnt always go well. I have an issue letting people in. So letting God truly rule my life is a bit of a challenge. Deep breath. prayer. now moving on.

So this is getting to be a rather lengthy post of nothingness... I'll return to the subject at a later date. However, I will add... that I am leaving for Italy (its our fall break here) in two days. With no parents, no particular plans besides a hostel reservation, 1 backpack and hardly enough money to buy some straciatella gelato. This is me, being fearless. And SO not a princess ;)

Cheers!
ps. Francesca Battistelli is a Christian singer with some taylor swift "I'm speaking directly to you Meghan Brady" type qualities. I'm currently rocking out to "Unpredictable" and "I'm Letting Go." You should too :)

The Great Outdoors

So, the jury is still out on which season is my favorite...

I adore the summer sun, going to the beach, and being tan; I love spring flowers, fresh rain, and the start of men's volleyball season; In the winter I live in cozy sweaters, devour my mom's hot chocolate (whether fair-trade spicy, or williams sonoma with gourmet marshmallows), and could watch the snow fall on Christmas Day for hours. But then there's fall... the crisp wind, multicolored leaves, the ultimate soccer season, hot apple cider, light scarves and hats, and rosy cheeks.

Mmm fall. I don't know that its my favorite season.. but I've been feeling rather keen on fall lately. Last weekend, we took a bus to the city of Bath... about a 2 hour drive away. Now, I don't credit Bath with perfecting the season of fall... but we had the perfect autumn day. We spent the day touring the ancient Roman Baths (the only natural hot springs still bubbling in Britain)... walking through the shops, admiring the royal crescent (buildings designed in a massive horseshoe shape)... and "frolicking" through Victoria Park's gardens.

Oh the frolicking. Let me explain. It was either go tour the Jane Austen Museum (believe me, I wanted to), or enjoy the gorgeousness of the day and take fun pictures of each other, ala America's Next Top Model: Bath. I took pictures :) Kind of out of character for me, enjoying being in the pictures.. but I couldnt help it. I just was loving being outside. We did some tree climbing, leaf throwing, senior portrait reenactments, statue mimicking, and general funness. good. times. All in all, BIG fan of Bath. Beautiful town, lovely people, lots of history = Meghan Approved.

Later this week my autumn lovin continued... we had our first "Environmental Day" for the elementary teaching science class I'm in. We were divided into different groups and went to a forest about 20 minutes away. The science professors had different stations, and we basically participated in a college version of a "forest school." Forest schools were invented in Sweden (I know, I guess it does make sense that I'm going there!) when there wasn't enough classroom space to be had... so students spent the majority of their time outside... doing cross-curricular activities. They were wildly successful, and spread to Wales, and now England.

In our "forest school" at Seeley Copse in Goodwood I learned how to identify Sycamore (which are forest invader trees... so its ok that we used their bark to make necklaces), how to use a handsaw, make popcorn over a fire, whittle, make coal to decorate our sycamore pendants, use clay to make a candle holder, and make hot chocolate with our own mini-fires. I love my major.

My group was so much fun... and (lame as it sounds) I made a lot of new friends, and had a great time being outside, hiking, and enjoying nature. When did I become so into the outdoors? I didn't get it from my mom... and i'm so not into camping as a vacation, but really... I love it.

Additionally, I finally found a gym... and about 2/3 of our group decided to join as well. It's not cheap, but its about as cheap as we can find... and I'm starting to feel a little bit more at home. I still haven't got the hang of the schoolwork here (I simply can't make myself read book after book two months before a project is due... which I know, will be killing me come 2 months from now... but I can't do it). I miss PSU classes where minimal studying is involved... and I feel very in my element. But I guess feeling out of my element is good. It's a growing experience.

More growing to come in a few weeks time... about 10 days from now I leave for Italy with some friends... then we're headed to Paris... and then Spain. My bank account is rapidly diminishing... but such is life.

I'm starting to feel like theres so much more for me to do... like after this year, I'm not going to be done with this travel thing. As much as I LOVE teaching... and know that I'm supposed to do it, and I'm great at it... I've been having this feeling that God has really big plans for me. Which is really exciting. I dont know when or where these big plans come about... but I'm feeling so much less limited lately... as in... even though I dont have a lot, money isn't holding me back. Even though I'm not that naturally brave... I'm learning not to hold myself back. God is bigger than all of the stuff I think is preventing me from being one of those people who has crazy, interesting, fearless stories to tell about their life... one of those people whose story isn't done being written at 22 when they come back from a study abroad and graduate college.

Anyway... that rambling probably doesnt make any sense... but basically... life is good... God is good... I'm loving the cold weather (and loving that it hasn't snowed here yet... unlike at PSU :)) and i'm ready for more. whatever that means.

Wicked

It's been awhile, but here's an update...

I love England. Like the Brits say (sometimes), it's pretty wicked. Wicked gorgeous, wicked expensive, wicked wicked wicked.

Really though, I titled it wicked because the other weekend, in Londontown... we saw the show Wicked. FINALLY!!! I've been wanting to see it for years. And i did. I feel like I'm making major life checkmarks... you know my life "to-do list?" Its getting shorter. Which is pretty wicked cool.

Anywhoo, round two of london was great... it was nice to feel semi in control... I really understand the layout of london and know where to go, what i like. So i'm only partially touristy :) It remains one of my favorite world cities. (Sorry... Venice is still #1)

When we got back from london, a few of us went to Portsmouth... which is obviously a port town, with a really nice harbor (aka baltimore!) Anywhoo... it was a good time... doing the museumy thing, touring some boats... good times. We went back again with the whole group the next weekend to explore the nightlife, and stay at a friend's house.

I've had some more classes... went into a "nursery school" (age 4-5) and observed there... so fun! It was a nice reminder of why I love my major. The class was great... and the teacher was very my style, and gave me a lot of ideas for any future classrooms. Plus, there was a room of 28 4 year olds who did spot on impressions of charlie bit me!

A few of us went to a neighboring seaside called littlehampton for some ice cream after school the other day, and today we went back to chichester to do some shopping, and actually go inside the cathedral (which was built by the normans soon after 1066!)

The most exciting interesting development this past week has been meeting a few people my age from the church we've been attending. On wednesday night there is a young adult group that meets, basically just to talk, and grow, and pray. Its very very small... 3 americans and 1 swede went, and pretty much doubled the size of the group, but it was definitely a good time to just talk and pray. Afterwards we went to southdowns, a local pub to talk some more. Yes, in england, bible studies go to pubs. The thing about england though, is while they are a predominately christian country... apparently they cant walk around town wearing shirts that say "wwjd" or "nonconformist" or "loser" with bible verses on the backs. It is apparently much easier, and more widely accepted to be a homosexual here than it is to be a "practicing christian."

So Ive been thinking a lot about what it means to be a practicing christian. Obviously church attendance isnt necessarily related to your commitment to Christ or your personal relationship or faith. But its funny how the way I live my life, here is viewed (and has been called) "super religious", while at home I sometimes feel like I'm running to keep up with people whose lives are completely on fire for God. I'm in a really exciting place in my walk right now... and its obviously not always wise to compare myself to others, because everyone is different... it is just really eye-opening to see how my role has changed here. I'm viewed as a pretty solid girl at home... but I have my shortcomings and weaknesses in my faith. These all still exist, but here, the overall outsider view of me is as a really good christian girl whose always reading praying and writing. I'm ok with that. It's just weird being more of an example, rather than a part of a large group of people who it is not uncommon to see chilling in coffee shops with a bible.

i have more to say on the topic, obviously, but for now... i wanted to comment on the beauty of skype. i talked to sooo many people last night. which was great... but ive learned that hearing voices from home (and seeing everyones beautiful faces) makes waves of homesickness appear a little bit more rapidly. don't stop skyping me, just be aware... that while i have yet to cry (and am planning on not letting it happen)... y'all make it hard

peace and love,
meg